I decided, without really thinking it through, to invite both A and my mum for dinner on Easter Sunday. A was already coming up to help me prepare an egg hunt for the kids and my mum was helping out by keeping them out of the way for an hour or so, at her house. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I had failed to take into account the possible side effects of my new tablets. Nevertheless, I decided to go ahead.

The kids were delighted with their surprise. We have never had an egg hunt before. In fact, for many years we didn’t have Easter eggs at all as E always reacted badly to chocolate. She seems to have grown out of it now and I have relaxed the no chocolate rule in the last couple of years. They had two little tin buckets to collect the goodies into and set out around the house to find small chocolate eggs, chocolate lollies, marshmallows and plastic eggs filled with jelly beans. Between them they found the lot and looked very pleased with their haul.

Dinner turned out remarkably well considering how tired I was feeling. We had a full roast beef dinner and everyone enjoyed it very much. The best part though was A doing the washing up!

Well, last weeks list didn’t really get done! I had good moments and started a few things, but on the whole the list will be the same for this week. Mostly this is due to me going to the doctors on Tuesday and being prescribed anti-depressants (something I should have done months ago). Once I started taking them, I felt so tired I could barely keep my eyes open for a few days and had even less energy than before. However, the side effects seem to be lessening now and I feel a lot less tired today and am hopeful that this week will be more productive, one way or another.

What I did get done:

1. Cut my nails.

2. Got a lot of washing done, though I am not caught up yet.

3. Did the washing up before bed on three occasions.

4. Sorted the airing cupboard so at least we can find things in there until it is emptied.

This weeks goals will be:

House and garden.

1. Finish the backlog of laundry and empty the airing cupboard.

2. Clean the bathroom and put the fittings and toiletries back.

Business.

Nothing this week.

Personal/fun.

1. Make a start on Media Player as previously detailed.

2.Finish reading ‘Blood and Memory’ by Fiona McIntosh.

Habits.

1. Washing up before bed each night.

2. Make a shopping list and menu for the week.

By the way, I decided it didn’t make sense to post an update on Sundays and then a new list on Mondays. So I shall be having Motivation Mondays for both things.

The look on the kids faces as they worked their way around the house finding hidden Easter treats

A while back, I posted a link to a little animation about how your cat wakes you up in the morning. If you enjoyed that, go take a look at this new one from the same animator.

Calvin and Hobbes has long been my favourite strip cartoon, and this one really made me smile. The childlike enthusiasm with which they are dancing is very infectious.

Finally, my new favourite joke.

Q: What’s blue and fluffy?

A: Blue fluff!

(With apologies to A for finding it funnier than his version!)

Okay, so, here’s a new approach. There has been a distinct lack of posts here lately. ‘Apropos’ was supposed to be a positive thing in my life, a place to record achievements and to inspire and motivate me to further greatness. So, that’s what it is going to be from now on. At the start of each week I shall post a list of my goals for the week and at the end of each week, I shall post about how well I have done. To start with, they will be simple and anyone reading this (not that anyone does!) will think ‘My word! How hard can it be to get that done in a week?’ or ‘Why does she need to make an effort to do that as a habit?’. But to them I say - please bear with me. I really do need to go right back to basics. My life, all aspects of it, has been so wildly out of control for so long now, that frankly, doing anything at all counts as progress. I have no idea how long it will take before I have a clean and tidy house, a useable garden, productive and relaxing leisure time, a functioning business and a routine that takes care of my body, soul and mind. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am moving forward.

So, here is how I am going to do this. I have four categories of goals for each week and I will have six goals each week (hopefully, I will increase this as time goes by). The categories are: House and garden; Business; Personal/fun; Habits.

Here are my goals for this week:

House and garden
1. Re-establish a laundry routine and deal with all the backlog.

I haven’t been able to get to the kids wardrobes for weeks because of the state of their room, so clean laundry has just been stuffed into the airing cupboard which is now full to overflowing. When it reached that point, I pretty much stopped doing laundry, except for the kids school clothes and underwear. This week I intend to put all the clean laundry away, and do one load of washing every day, re-establishing the routine I used to have.

2. Bathroom.

After eight weeks, I think the council have finally finished with my bathroom! It still hasn’t been signed off as finished so I don’t have the vouchers for decorating or flooring. However, I am sick and tired of having all the toiletries living in my bedroom, and the old bathroom fitings in the kitchen! So, this week I shall decide what is going to be re-used and what needs replacing (I have already done a couple of things) and get them back into the bathroom. Then I can re-house all the toiletries. Also, the bathroom needs a thorough cleaning now that I am fairly sure no one will be turning up to knock any more holes in the walls or start drilling and making clouds of dust!

Business

Nothing this week.

Personal/fun.

1. Media Player.

I have been half-heartedly adding my CD’s to Media Player for months now and the job is still only half done. Now I find that I had it set wrong so that every track I have put on there has been saved in the wrong format and won’t play as an MP3! So, I shall be taking the whole lot off and starting again. This is a job that will take longer than a week. It might not seem like something that should be in the ‘fun’ section, but, if you know me, you will understand!

2. Cut my nails!

Such a simple task, you would think! I broke another nail last night which makes five that are now odd lengths. So, I think it is time to cut them all to match. They are very brittle right now, so keeping them short makes sense anyway. Who knows - I may even paint them!

Habits.

1. Washing up.

This is a habit I picked up from my time with FlyLady but have let slip for a long time. The aim is to do all the washing up before bed each night, dry it and put it away, and leave a clean, shiny, empty sink to greet you in the morning. I cannot explain how good this makes me feel when I do it. It seems like a very good place to start.

2. Shopping list and menu.

Another habit I used to have but which has gone from my life. When you are on a fairly tight budget, as I am, it makes sense to write a shopping list. It also helps to work out a menu for the week so that you don’t buy more than you need. (It is also a help to people like me who don’t like cooking and can stand in front of the freezer for ages trying to decide what to cook.)

So, there you have it. My goals for this week. Update on Sunday

When I began this blog, I was full of good intentions. It was only going to be full of the good things in my life, the achievements, the laughter. So what do the long,empty silences tell you? A while ago I had a very bad week. I fell apart at the seams for a few days. Then something amazing happened. The clouds lifted, the sadness fell away, all of the clutter in my head was gone and I had complete clarity about the future. It felt so good, I really don’t have words to describe it. For a week or so I was motivated, full of energy, happier with myself and those around me.

It didn’t last.

Gradually, the downside of life started creeping back in. All the things that I can’t control, the things I cannot do on my own, began to make themselves felt. My older daughter, E, began to suffer more from her own teenage angst. Her sister, J, hates when this happens and gets very stressed about it, on top of her own 8 year old worries. Mornings went back to being full of arguments, fights to get the kids up and off to school. Evenings were full of bickering, fighting and shouting. It seemed that no matter how positive I was, it had no effect on them at all.

So I slipped backwards.

The kids take so much of my energy when they are like this. Plus, they trash the house even more than usual so there is more to do to just keep it at it’s usual level of ‘bomb site’. I started to neglect the positive stuff I had begun to do for myself, the times I had set aside to really relax, knowing that it would be beneficial to us all. Instead, I threw myself back into being stressed, miserable, despairing and neglectful of myself.

In short, I fell apart again.

This cannot go on.

I have stabilised a little over the weekend and am feeling more positive now. However, I have acknowledged that this see-saw of extremes is not good for any of us. The positivity I know I can achieve is an amazing thing and will, given time, have a wonderful effect on us all. The dark times however, are capable of blocking all of that out. The kids don’t understand what is going on and come to the conclusion that nothing will ever really change. Meanwhile, I am looking at their behaviour and thinking the same thing. So, going against everything I have been saying for the past few years, I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and hopefully I will be able to get the help I need. Medication may not be the ideal solution, but if it can help me to cope, stay focussed and keep at the positive stuff for longer than a week, then it is the right solution for now. With A’s help, we are also getting support for E. She has already seen a counsellor at school and this will continue after the Easter holidays.

So, my motivation has been non-existant, my ability to focus likewise. House and garden, the kids, work, blogs, hobbies, crafts, Second Life - all have suffered and been neglected. As has my physical wellbeing, spiritual needs and mental health. However, I am making today the first day of the rest of my life, and from here, the only way is up. I have proved to myself that I can do it - now I just need to make it last.

Before ending this post, I have one last thing to say but inadequate words to say it. Without A, none of this would be possible. He is my rock, my strength, my inspiration. he keeps me going when things are at their worst. He has pulled me back from that darkness when I thought I was lost forever. We decided a while back to change the nature of our relationship and no longer consider ourselves to be a ‘couple’, but he is the best friend I could ever wish for and without him the future would not look so bright.

Thank you babe

A hot shower, on a cold February day.

Stepping back out into the world to realise that the sun is pouring through the bathroom window.

Feeling cleansed, refreshed and vibrantly alive.

I often feel like I am really out of step with the times I live in. I’m not quite a Luddite, even though I sometimes joke that I am. I am, after all, badly addicted to the Internet! However, I do feel that todays world bombards us with too much of everything and that we just aren’t cut out for coping with it.

Nothing is made to last, everything is disposable. We are encouraged to replace perfectly useable things we already own with new versions. Everything competes to be bigger or smaller, shinier or brighter, have more functions or switches, be faster or more intelligent. I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing. Obviously there are many times when this is a very good thing. But, in our everyday lives it ends up meaning that we are never happy with what we have, satisfied that our needs are met or that we are as good as the next person.

One of the main ideas behind my theme of simplicity for this year, is to seriously declutter my life. Truly get rid of, not only the rubbish, but all the ’stuff’ I don’t really need - the clothes I bought and wore once, the books I will never read, the magazines that pile up by my bed, the craft projects that will never be started, the old gadgets and gizmos that nobody uses. The same goes for the kids, who have so much clutter they never can find anything to do and complain of being bored and who grow out of clothes before they have even been worn.

It has been very pleasant to discover that I am far from being alone in this way of thinking. FlyLady was a huge help to me in the past, with her ideas for simplifying your life, home and routines, and I am seriously thinking of going back to basics and starting her programme again. Just recently I read this post at Mental Tesserae entitled ‘What if … none were enough?’ which addresses some of my feelings about our consumer driven society. Best of all is A Year Off, a brilliant blog about one families intent to not only declutter their existing possesions this year, but to not buy anything new for the whole year! They are doing great so far and it makes for an encouraging read.

Sadly, I haven’t made much progress yet. I have been trying to declutter my head before starting on my physical surroundings. However, spring is coming, I am making progress, and I feel that a serious amount of junk will be thrown out very soon.

Have you ever noticed just how little sense the English language makes sometimes? I have no idea where the following collection originates from, but it was featured on the Cornwall Air Ambulance lottery results sheet a few weeks ago. It made me smile and shake my head in exasperation, so I thought I would share it with you.

‘English. A language for the verbally insane.’

We’ll begin with a box and the plural is boxes
But the plural of ox is oxen not oxes.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set is teeth
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

English is a crazy language! There is no egg in eggplant, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig. And why is it that writers write but grocers don’t groce? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what other language do people recite at a play but play at a recital? We park in a driveway yet drive on a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down? In which you fill in a form by filling it out? And in which an alarm goes off by going on?

Before you start reading this, I want to be honest with you and say that it will mostly be me moaning. This blog is supposed to be a celebration of the good things in my life, but right now they seem very hard to find.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had flu over the new year. It’s still here! It has developed into a nasty, hacking cough and a whole new load of congestion in my head. The latest addition came yesterday when I noticed my eye was weeping. It got worse through the day and this morning it looks terrible - bloodshot, weeping and crusted. I have zero energy most of the time and barely make it to the school and back in the morning. The washing is piling up, the beds need changing, the kitchen is a mess, there are still Christmas presents waiting to be put away and bills that were overdue before Christmas that need to be paid. And I am doing nothing towards putting that right because I just want to curl up in bed and stay there until this has all gone away and I can breathe again and walk further than the end of the road without worrying about whether I have the energy to get home.

On top of all this, the new bathroom is being installed. It has been four days so far and it looks like it will be at least another 3 or 4 next week. There has been plaster dust in the air which makes me cough, fumes from adhesives which make me wheezy, and strangers in and out of the house which makes me stressed and anxious. Not what I need while I am already feeling ill. Yes, it will be lovely when it is all done and I will at last (after 12 years) have a shower. But right now all I can think about is that the hall and stair carpet is covered in ‘bits’ from the bathroom, and that I cannot even have a bath this weekend! I suppose I should be grateful they left me with a working toilet!

So, I am spending my days curled up on the sofa, reading or watching TV and feeling miserable. I either eat a whole load of sweet stuff or else nothing at all. I feel bloated. I know I am dehydrated. I am not sleeping well because of the coughing. All in all, I feel like I am slowly crumbling. January usually passes in a flash, lost in the aftermath of Christmas and the flurry of new year sales. But this year, it seems like it will never end.

My apologies for the moaning. I know this will pass and I will soon feel better. It’s just that, in this moment, I just want to curl up and cry.