Apropos of Nothing

As with my other blog, I was horrified when I opened this blog up and saw just how long it is since I wrote anything here. Far longer than I thought. However, in a way, that fits in quite well with what I am here to write today.

I have finally made the decision to combine my two blogs into one, which will encompass all aspects of my lives, both first and second. Instead of incorporating one of my current blogs into the other, I have made a fresh start in a shiny new blog.

There isn’t much there yet, but that will change soon. I hope that if anyone is still checking here, you will pay a visit, over at Carpe Diem and let me know what you think of the idea.

Thank you for sticking around, and I hope to see you all soon xx

Well hello there! Nice of you to stick around - I really didn’t think anone would still be checking in here after all this time. All the silence of the last few months has been due to my life being in a state of great change. So much has happened - not major, physical things, but internal things, mental, emotional and spiritual. I am in a very different place withing myself than I was when I last wrote, way back at Easter time.

Anyway, I decided it was time to pick up this blog, give it a shake, and see if anything worthwhile fell out. I may discover that I don’t have the time, or anything much to say, but I don’t want to just close it down without giving it another go.

So, if you’re still here - thank you! Stick around a while longer and see what you think, let me know by leaving a comment even. I shall be writing more over the next few days, to say a little about how my life has changed - the good and the bad - and where I am heading next.

I decided, without really thinking it through, to invite both A and my mum for dinner on Easter Sunday. A was already coming up to help me prepare an egg hunt for the kids and my mum was helping out by keeping them out of the way for an hour or so, at her house. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I had failed to take into account the possible side effects of my new tablets. Nevertheless, I decided to go ahead.

The kids were delighted with their surprise. We have never had an egg hunt before. In fact, for many years we didn’t have Easter eggs at all as E always reacted badly to chocolate. She seems to have grown out of it now and I have relaxed the no chocolate rule in the last couple of years. They had two little tin buckets to collect the goodies into and set out around the house to find small chocolate eggs, chocolate lollies, marshmallows and plastic eggs filled with jelly beans. Between them they found the lot and looked very pleased with their haul.

Dinner turned out remarkably well considering how tired I was feeling. We had a full roast beef dinner and everyone enjoyed it very much. The best part though was A doing the washing up!

Well, last weeks list didn’t really get done! I had good moments and started a few things, but on the whole the list will be the same for this week. Mostly this is due to me going to the doctors on Tuesday and being prescribed anti-depressants (something I should have done months ago). Once I started taking them, I felt so tired I could barely keep my eyes open for a few days and had even less energy than before. However, the side effects seem to be lessening now and I feel a lot less tired today and am hopeful that this week will be more productive, one way or another.

What I did get done:

1. Cut my nails.

2. Got a lot of washing done, though I am not caught up yet.

3. Did the washing up before bed on three occasions.

4. Sorted the airing cupboard so at least we can find things in there until it is emptied.

This weeks goals will be:

House and garden.

1. Finish the backlog of laundry and empty the airing cupboard.

2. Clean the bathroom and put the fittings and toiletries back.

Business.

Nothing this week.

Personal/fun.

1. Make a start on Media Player as previously detailed.

2.Finish reading ‘Blood and Memory’ by Fiona McIntosh.

Habits.

1. Washing up before bed each night.

2. Make a shopping list and menu for the week.

By the way, I decided it didn’t make sense to post an update on Sundays and then a new list on Mondays. So I shall be having Motivation Mondays for both things.

The look on the kids faces as they worked their way around the house finding hidden Easter treats

A while back, I posted a link to a little animation about how your cat wakes you up in the morning. If you enjoyed that, go take a look at this new one from the same animator.

Calvin and Hobbes has long been my favourite strip cartoon, and this one really made me smile. The childlike enthusiasm with which they are dancing is very infectious.

Finally, my new favourite joke.

Q: What’s blue and fluffy?

A: Blue fluff!

(With apologies to A for finding it funnier than his version!)

Okay, so, here’s a new approach. There has been a distinct lack of posts here lately. ‘Apropos’ was supposed to be a positive thing in my life, a place to record achievements and to inspire and motivate me to further greatness. So, that’s what it is going to be from now on. At the start of each week I shall post a list of my goals for the week and at the end of each week, I shall post about how well I have done. To start with, they will be simple and anyone reading this (not that anyone does!) will think ‘My word! How hard can it be to get that done in a week?’ or ‘Why does she need to make an effort to do that as a habit?’. But to them I say - please bear with me. I really do need to go right back to basics. My life, all aspects of it, has been so wildly out of control for so long now, that frankly, doing anything at all counts as progress. I have no idea how long it will take before I have a clean and tidy house, a useable garden, productive and relaxing leisure time, a functioning business and a routine that takes care of my body, soul and mind. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am moving forward.

So, here is how I am going to do this. I have four categories of goals for each week and I will have six goals each week (hopefully, I will increase this as time goes by). The categories are: House and garden; Business; Personal/fun; Habits.

Here are my goals for this week:

House and garden
1. Re-establish a laundry routine and deal with all the backlog.

I haven’t been able to get to the kids wardrobes for weeks because of the state of their room, so clean laundry has just been stuffed into the airing cupboard which is now full to overflowing. When it reached that point, I pretty much stopped doing laundry, except for the kids school clothes and underwear. This week I intend to put all the clean laundry away, and do one load of washing every day, re-establishing the routine I used to have.

2. Bathroom.

After eight weeks, I think the council have finally finished with my bathroom! It still hasn’t been signed off as finished so I don’t have the vouchers for decorating or flooring. However, I am sick and tired of having all the toiletries living in my bedroom, and the old bathroom fitings in the kitchen! So, this week I shall decide what is going to be re-used and what needs replacing (I have already done a couple of things) and get them back into the bathroom. Then I can re-house all the toiletries. Also, the bathroom needs a thorough cleaning now that I am fairly sure no one will be turning up to knock any more holes in the walls or start drilling and making clouds of dust!

Business

Nothing this week.

Personal/fun.

1. Media Player.

I have been half-heartedly adding my CD’s to Media Player for months now and the job is still only half done. Now I find that I had it set wrong so that every track I have put on there has been saved in the wrong format and won’t play as an MP3! So, I shall be taking the whole lot off and starting again. This is a job that will take longer than a week. It might not seem like something that should be in the ‘fun’ section, but, if you know me, you will understand!

2. Cut my nails!

Such a simple task, you would think! I broke another nail last night which makes five that are now odd lengths. So, I think it is time to cut them all to match. They are very brittle right now, so keeping them short makes sense anyway. Who knows - I may even paint them!

Habits.

1. Washing up.

This is a habit I picked up from my time with FlyLady but have let slip for a long time. The aim is to do all the washing up before bed each night, dry it and put it away, and leave a clean, shiny, empty sink to greet you in the morning. I cannot explain how good this makes me feel when I do it. It seems like a very good place to start.

2. Shopping list and menu.

Another habit I used to have but which has gone from my life. When you are on a fairly tight budget, as I am, it makes sense to write a shopping list. It also helps to work out a menu for the week so that you don’t buy more than you need. (It is also a help to people like me who don’t like cooking and can stand in front of the freezer for ages trying to decide what to cook.)

So, there you have it. My goals for this week. Update on Sunday

When I began this blog, I was full of good intentions. It was only going to be full of the good things in my life, the achievements, the laughter. So what do the long,empty silences tell you? A while ago I had a very bad week. I fell apart at the seams for a few days. Then something amazing happened. The clouds lifted, the sadness fell away, all of the clutter in my head was gone and I had complete clarity about the future. It felt so good, I really don’t have words to describe it. For a week or so I was motivated, full of energy, happier with myself and those around me.

It didn’t last.

Gradually, the downside of life started creeping back in. All the things that I can’t control, the things I cannot do on my own, began to make themselves felt. My older daughter, E, began to suffer more from her own teenage angst. Her sister, J, hates when this happens and gets very stressed about it, on top of her own 8 year old worries. Mornings went back to being full of arguments, fights to get the kids up and off to school. Evenings were full of bickering, fighting and shouting. It seemed that no matter how positive I was, it had no effect on them at all.

So I slipped backwards.

The kids take so much of my energy when they are like this. Plus, they trash the house even more than usual so there is more to do to just keep it at it’s usual level of ‘bomb site’. I started to neglect the positive stuff I had begun to do for myself, the times I had set aside to really relax, knowing that it would be beneficial to us all. Instead, I threw myself back into being stressed, miserable, despairing and neglectful of myself.

In short, I fell apart again.

This cannot go on.

I have stabilised a little over the weekend and am feeling more positive now. However, I have acknowledged that this see-saw of extremes is not good for any of us. The positivity I know I can achieve is an amazing thing and will, given time, have a wonderful effect on us all. The dark times however, are capable of blocking all of that out. The kids don’t understand what is going on and come to the conclusion that nothing will ever really change. Meanwhile, I am looking at their behaviour and thinking the same thing. So, going against everything I have been saying for the past few years, I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday, and hopefully I will be able to get the help I need. Medication may not be the ideal solution, but if it can help me to cope, stay focussed and keep at the positive stuff for longer than a week, then it is the right solution for now. With A’s help, we are also getting support for E. She has already seen a counsellor at school and this will continue after the Easter holidays.

So, my motivation has been non-existant, my ability to focus likewise. House and garden, the kids, work, blogs, hobbies, crafts, Second Life - all have suffered and been neglected. As has my physical wellbeing, spiritual needs and mental health. However, I am making today the first day of the rest of my life, and from here, the only way is up. I have proved to myself that I can do it - now I just need to make it last.

Before ending this post, I have one last thing to say but inadequate words to say it. Without A, none of this would be possible. He is my rock, my strength, my inspiration. he keeps me going when things are at their worst. He has pulled me back from that darkness when I thought I was lost forever. We decided a while back to change the nature of our relationship and no longer consider ourselves to be a ‘couple’, but he is the best friend I could ever wish for and without him the future would not look so bright.

Thank you babe

A hot shower, on a cold February day.

Stepping back out into the world to realise that the sun is pouring through the bathroom window.

Feeling cleansed, refreshed and vibrantly alive.

I often feel like I am really out of step with the times I live in. I’m not quite a Luddite, even though I sometimes joke that I am. I am, after all, badly addicted to the Internet! However, I do feel that todays world bombards us with too much of everything and that we just aren’t cut out for coping with it.

Nothing is made to last, everything is disposable. We are encouraged to replace perfectly useable things we already own with new versions. Everything competes to be bigger or smaller, shinier or brighter, have more functions or switches, be faster or more intelligent. I’m not saying that this is always a bad thing. Obviously there are many times when this is a very good thing. But, in our everyday lives it ends up meaning that we are never happy with what we have, satisfied that our needs are met or that we are as good as the next person.

One of the main ideas behind my theme of simplicity for this year, is to seriously declutter my life. Truly get rid of, not only the rubbish, but all the ’stuff’ I don’t really need - the clothes I bought and wore once, the books I will never read, the magazines that pile up by my bed, the craft projects that will never be started, the old gadgets and gizmos that nobody uses. The same goes for the kids, who have so much clutter they never can find anything to do and complain of being bored and who grow out of clothes before they have even been worn.

It has been very pleasant to discover that I am far from being alone in this way of thinking. FlyLady was a huge help to me in the past, with her ideas for simplifying your life, home and routines, and I am seriously thinking of going back to basics and starting her programme again. Just recently I read this post at Mental Tesserae entitled ‘What if … none were enough?’ which addresses some of my feelings about our consumer driven society. Best of all is A Year Off, a brilliant blog about one families intent to not only declutter their existing possesions this year, but to not buy anything new for the whole year! They are doing great so far and it makes for an encouraging read.

Sadly, I haven’t made much progress yet. I have been trying to declutter my head before starting on my physical surroundings. However, spring is coming, I am making progress, and I feel that a serious amount of junk will be thrown out very soon.